Category Archives: Jokes

Hilarious Bumper Stickers

If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

Motorcycle version: If you can read this, my wife fell off!

Don’t drink while driving. You could spill your drink.

Don’t follow me. I’m lost too.

Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

CAUTION! – Driver legally blonde!

I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds

My other bumper sticker is funny.

My other car is a broom

My other car is also a piece of junk

So many pedestrians. So little time.

Heavily medicated for your safety.

A real gentleman wouldn’t stare at my stickers.

— Hilarious Bumper Stickers —

Beat rush hour, leave work at noon

Women are born leaders, you are following one now.

Forget About World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.

Driver carries less than in ammunition.

I’m not as think as you drunk I am.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

Horn Broke. Watch For Finger.

The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.

I may be slow but I’m in front of you!

Don’t follow me. I am going fishing.

Save your breath. I only listen to tides.

Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

I have a nice body. It’s in my trunk.

Everyone who drives slower than me is an idiot.

Everyone who drives faster than me is an maniac.

I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%?

I don’t know why I’m even out of bed.

— Hilarious Bumper Stickers —

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don’t drive!

I’m not perfect, but I’m so close that it scares me.

If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order.

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

Honk if the twins fall out. 

Follow that car, Godzilla – and step on it!

If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union

Faster than a speeding ticket.

I drive the speed limit. If you don’t like it, call a cop.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Caution I brake for hookers

Back Off! I’m a Postal Worker

Get off my ass before I start to like it!

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.

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Funny Computer Quotes

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” Popular Mechanics, 1949

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name” – Paula Poundstone
“The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there’s no law against whacking them around a little.” – Eric Porterfield

“It’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.”

“The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.”

“If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0”

“Mac users swear by their Mac, PC users swear at their PC.”

“Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.” – Jeff Pesis

“A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.”

— Funny Computer Quotes —

“One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.” – Robert Firth

“A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.” Mitch Ratcliffe

“Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.” Joseph Campbell

“There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don’t, and those that confuse it with binary.”

“Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer.” – Erik Naggum

“But they are useless. They can only give you answers.” – Pablo Picasso

“Real men don’t use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.” – Linus Torvalds

“Windows95: It’s like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

“To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.” Farmer’s Almanac, 1978

— Funny Computer Quotes —

“Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.” – Doug Larson

“I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said:

‘Outlook not so good’.

I said: ‘Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway’.”

“The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers).

Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again.

Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot.”

“The more I C, the less I see.”

“Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.”

“COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.”

— Funny Computer Quotes —

“It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.”

“I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly”

“Be nice to geeks when you’re in school, you might end up working for one when you grow up.”

“My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.” – average programmer.

“There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.”

— Funny Computer Quotes —

“People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song ‘Start me up’ in their commercials.

This is wrong.

Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song.

For instance, they didn’t use the line ‘You’ll make a grown man cry’.”

“The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2.”

“Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.”

“The box said ‘Required Windows 95 or better’. So, I installed LINUX.”

“1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d”

“Testing. Testing. 001 010 011 100…”

— Funny Computer Quotes —

Hilarious Quotes

I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them. – George Bush

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. – George W. Bush

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher … and that is a good thing for any man. – Socrates

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? – Bob Monkhouse

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. – Imelda Marcos

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

— Hilarious Quotes —

I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. – Hillary Clinton.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. – Bertrand Russell

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. – Christopher Isherwoo

I never think of the future – it comes soon enough. – Albert Einstein

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. – Samuel Goldwyn

I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli. – George Bush.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. — General William Westmoreland

I like marriage. The idea. – Toni Morrison

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter).

— Hilarious Quotes —

I can’t even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery. – Paul Lynde

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde.

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. – Henry Kissinger.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

— Hilarious Quotes —

Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like.. love! – Homer J Simpson.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times. – Mark Twain.

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk! – Homer J. Simpson

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world – Calvin.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. – Mark Twain

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man.. I could be eating a slow learner. – Lyndon B. Johnson

Funny Marriage Advice

“My advice to you is, get married. If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes — Special Advice for Women

The most obvious advice for women is, don’t expect your husband change (at least to the better) after you got married.

To the worse, a few examples are:

When you are dating: He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married: He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating: He calls you by name.

When you are married: He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.

When you are dating: He holds your hand in public.

When you are married: He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating: He likes to “discuss” things.

When you are married: He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating: A Single bed for two isn’t THAT bad.

When you are married: A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating: He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married: He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating: You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married: You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating: You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married: You think to yourself, “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes — Special Advice for Men

The most obvious advice for men is, don’t expect your wife NOT to change after you got married.

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes

Here is how to understand your wife:

The wife says: You want.

The wife means: You want.

The wife says: We need.

The wife means: I want.

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.

The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish.

The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Do you love me?

The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?

The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.

The wife says: It’s your decision.

The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious.

The wife says: We need to talk.

The wife means: I need to complain.

The wife says: Do what you want.

The wife means: You’ll pay for this later.

The wife says: I’m sorry.

The wife means: You’ll be sorry.

The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.

The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.

The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Yes

The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe

The wife means: No

The wife says: No

The wife means: No