Monthly Archives: July 2012

World Craziest Jokes e-book

You can laugh, have fun, all you have to to is to read it 🙂



Download link craziest-jokes-ebook

Funny Computer Quotes

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” Popular Mechanics, 1949

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name” – Paula Poundstone
“The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there’s no law against whacking them around a little.” – Eric Porterfield

“It’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.”

“The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.”

“If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0”

“Mac users swear by their Mac, PC users swear at their PC.”

“Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.” – Jeff Pesis

“A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.”

— Funny Computer Quotes —

“One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.” – Robert Firth

“A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.” Mitch Ratcliffe

“Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.” Joseph Campbell

“There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don’t, and those that confuse it with binary.”

“Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer.” – Erik Naggum

“But they are useless. They can only give you answers.” – Pablo Picasso

“Real men don’t use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.” – Linus Torvalds

“Windows95: It’s like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

“To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.” Farmer’s Almanac, 1978

— Funny Computer Quotes —

“Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.” – Doug Larson

“I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said:

‘Outlook not so good’.

I said: ‘Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway’.”

“The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers).

Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again.

Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot.”

“The more I C, the less I see.”

“Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.”

“COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.”

— Funny Computer Quotes —

“It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.”

“I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly”

“Be nice to geeks when you’re in school, you might end up working for one when you grow up.”

“My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.” – average programmer.

“There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.”

— Funny Computer Quotes —

“People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song ‘Start me up’ in their commercials.

This is wrong.

Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song.

For instance, they didn’t use the line ‘You’ll make a grown man cry’.”

“The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2.”

“Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.”

“The box said ‘Required Windows 95 or better’. So, I installed LINUX.”

“1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d”

“Testing. Testing. 001 010 011 100…”

— Funny Computer Quotes —

Hilarious Quotes

I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them. – George Bush

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. – George W. Bush

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher … and that is a good thing for any man. – Socrates

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? – Bob Monkhouse

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. – Imelda Marcos

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

— Hilarious Quotes —

I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. – Hillary Clinton.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. – Bertrand Russell

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. – Christopher Isherwoo

I never think of the future – it comes soon enough. – Albert Einstein

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. – Samuel Goldwyn

I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli. – George Bush.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. — General William Westmoreland

I like marriage. The idea. – Toni Morrison

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter).

— Hilarious Quotes —

I can’t even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery. – Paul Lynde

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde.

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. – Henry Kissinger.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

— Hilarious Quotes —

Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like.. love! – Homer J Simpson.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times. – Mark Twain.

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk! – Homer J. Simpson

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world – Calvin.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. – Mark Twain

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man.. I could be eating a slow learner. – Lyndon B. Johnson

Funny Marriage Advice

“My advice to you is, get married. If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes — Special Advice for Women

The most obvious advice for women is, don’t expect your husband change (at least to the better) after you got married.

To the worse, a few examples are:

When you are dating: He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married: He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating: He calls you by name.

When you are married: He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.

When you are dating: He holds your hand in public.

When you are married: He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating: He likes to “discuss” things.

When you are married: He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating: A Single bed for two isn’t THAT bad.

When you are married: A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating: He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married: He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating: You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married: You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating: You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married: You think to yourself, “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes — Special Advice for Men

The most obvious advice for men is, don’t expect your wife NOT to change after you got married.

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes

Here is how to understand your wife:

The wife says: You want.

The wife means: You want.

The wife says: We need.

The wife means: I want.

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.

The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish.

The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Do you love me?

The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?

The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.

The wife says: It’s your decision.

The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious.

The wife says: We need to talk.

The wife means: I need to complain.

The wife says: Do what you want.

The wife means: You’ll pay for this later.

The wife says: I’m sorry.

The wife means: You’ll be sorry.

The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.

The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.

The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Yes

The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe

The wife means: No

The wife says: No

The wife means: No

Best Marriage Proposals Jokes

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says

“Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

“Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s room.

It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

“Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job.

You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Johnny instantly replies,

“Our allowance…Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks aweek.

That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this.

So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.

I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far…”
— Best Marriage Proposals Jokes —

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village.

They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”

“It’s OK”, he answers.

“I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems.

I can still enjoy life”.

“Well, then”, she replies

“I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?”

“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable.

You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself”.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain – “And how’s your sex life….”

“Infrequently”, he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking…

“And is that one word or two?

— Best Marriage Proposals Jokes — Best Marriage Proposals Jokes —

IT Professional Marriage Proposal

Baby, I ‘v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for.

For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can

be a real debugger for me now.

My life is just an uncompilable program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.

You are not only beautiful by face but all your Active X controls are attractive as well.

Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running

smoothly and giving expected results.

/* Which I never experienced before */.

With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we linked together, I’ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

Also don’t bother about the firewall which may be created by

our parents as I’ve strong hacking capabilities by which I’ll ultimately

break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage.

I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database

so that my connect script will fail.

And its all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery.

Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.

Only yours,

XYZ Software Professional

— Best Marriage Proposals Jokes —